Attraction and Pursuit


You meet a guy and feel more and more of an attraction to him. But are you in danger of pushing him away if YOU become the pursuer?

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Hi Emily,

Just writing to ask your advice.

I went on a trip a month ago and this guy approached me and started chatting, and after that kept coming to see me during my trip until we ended up spending all our time together.

It was strange as I had gone to reasons other than to meet someone.

In fact I was still healing from a relationship with another guy who wasn't right for me in the end.

But as I got to know this guy the more I realized that he ticked every one of my boxes that I would be looking for in a man. We even look a bit like each other.

The people I was traveling with kept saying things like 'meant to be' which although I kind of was wondering, was off-putting as I had only just met him and made it a bit awkward and pressure filled.

When we got back he came to see me twice within one week (he lives 2 hrs drive away)

My parents and brothers met him and all were saying ' this is the one'. Now this should make me happy but I feel strangely pressured, and that you can't go to Z without starting at ABC.

Anyway I went up to stay with him (he lives in the country) last weekend, and it went well, tho he gave me too much wine and I was hungover next day (not good plan as I know he needs to see best of me.

This coupled with the pressure I strangely feel made things a little uncomfortable and I knew he wasn't seeing the best of me. Well he sensed this and said as I left, "Well let's be friends and then see how it goes, maybe friends who kiss.

I said friends don't kiss!

He is a very busy guy, so said he doesn't know if he can take anything else on at the moment, but is deeply attracted to me and wants to see me.

I actually think it's because he wasn't seeing the best of me. when I'm good I'm good. And he's a genuine and loving guy.

Well I felt a bit peeved as he was the one running after me before then.

So I guess what I need is to take a chill pill, but deep down I know that there really are not many guys like that--devout, attractive, etc.

So how do I take the pressure off? And how do I get back to the point where he is running after me?

I can be extremely cool, but thing is I'm only likely to see him once every 10 days and don't want

those days to be built up with pressure beforehand. I mean I am cool but it's just a little tricky.

Thanks Emily for listening. It's not that I want to rush into something, but I want to find the right balance and as I am 35 now, I want to move things along but in a positive healthy balanced way.

Hope you're doing great - you're an inspiration to me!

God Bless,

Melissa

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Hello Melissa,

I am so happy you wrote me. You are always welcome to ask me anything. I love to be of help.

Wow, your story is a great example of how attraction works.

Let me explain what I mean.

At the very beginning, you weren't interested in meeting someone on your trip, particularly. Therefore, you came across as perfectly natural as opposed to needy or clingy.

With your natural charm and femininity you succeeded at attracted an apparently great man without even trying!

And I'm sure you WANTED to feel the "warm fuzzies" for him, but that wasn't happening at first.

Melissa, you have a great head on your shoulders. That is why you felt uncomfortable about having a relationship with this man.

Anytime you feel pressured and/or awkward, it's time to find out why.

In your case you pretty much figured it out.

You cannot get to Z without starting with A, B and C.

For starters, I'm not convinced from the sound of your letter that you were feeling it for him to begin with.

Sure, he ticked off the checkboxes, but you were still feeling that awkward feeling about what was going on. That's never a good sign.

So then, fast forward to being back from your trip and in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT environment when interacting with him--either on the phone or in person.

The "fantasy setting" of the trip is way in the rear view mirror, right?

Well, in your mind you're now coming to grips with the fact that maybe you WOULD like to have someone new in your life, and perhaps it's him.

But how about him? He may be have experienced something different upon returning home.

Having returned to "the grind" of daily life, which you mentioned was busy for him, he may also have a very different feeling about pursuing a relationship with you.

Now, you mentioned the possibility that having had a bit too much to drink could have been a negative for him.

First I would like to know, did he push the wine on you? Was he trying to get you drink? If the answer is yes then there's a larger issue at play here.

He may have had bad motives. This is a huge red flag and moving on would be best.

But if the answer is no, then I would not worry about it.

Everyone make mistakes. And when attraction is really clicking, those little mess-ups really don't matter.

Let's face it, despite what you read in the women's magazines under "dating disasters", the TRUTH is that very, very few guys would fail to ask for a second date simply because you spilled coffee, had a hair out of place or yes--even got a little tipsy.

What's more, he had already met you and interacted with you in this case...so that makes it all the more unlikely that an extra drink derailed things for you.

So I think something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT cooled his flame here.

I think that he may have been able to feel that you now wanted a "relationship" more than he did.

This turned the tables, and made YOU into the "pursuer" as you figured.

Human nature is that the one who is BEING pursued has the options and can tend to feel that someone who is pursuing hard may not be in his or her "league".

I would dare say this is ESPECIALLY true when it comes to guys when they're being PURSUED by women.

And yes...the balance can absolutely, positively shift, especially at the front end of a relationship when a man and a woman are getting to know each other better.

So now your new guy friend claims he is "too busy" for you, which is basically the same as telling you that he does not see you as priority.

How do we get him to become attracted to you again?

Well first, I think it's good news he's still attracted to you enough to kiss you.

Let's just make sure that the part about "seeing how things go" isn't an excuse designed to keep your relationship at a purely physical level, since that doesn't appear to be what you want.

And here's a hint: Telling him "friends don't kiss" was a great start.

Because you're right on target: Taking a deep breath and RELAXING is a fantastic idea. Like you said "take a chill pill".

Realize there are lots of men who are great and many will meet your standards. If this guy liked you, there WILL be others out there who feel the same way.

So act as if you will be fine with or without him--and believe it. You will be fine either way.

Exercise your options to meet and date other men. After all you are not dating this guy exclusively yet anyway.

If you have been calling him, back off and let him do the calling for a while. It's funny how many men will indeed call after not hearing from you in the manner they're used to

If he calls wanting to see you, go out with him and enjoy his company. Make sure you aren't compromising your schedule to do so.

All of this will help take the pressure off so that you can feel free to relax and show off your wonderful self...just like you did at the very beginning!

Keep me posted on how things are going. Don't give up. Stay active in your search for your Mr. Right!

Have Fun,

Emily McKay

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