December 2007


Here are your questions for December 2007.

Kris from AK, United States asks

I've been dating a single Dad of two (girls 15 & 6) for about six weeks now. A couple of weeks ago he asked me to be his girlfriend (you know the exclusive thing) I'm happy about this, but feel that I'm in over my head. I've been married before, but never had kids. I do have a good amount of experience working with teenagers, but the little one intimidates me. She is a big time Daddy's girl. Oh, I forgot to mention that he has full custody. Mom is only allowed one two hour supervised visit with the girls a week. I'm lost as to how to handle the little one.

We have not had a grown up date when she hasn't called. Maybe that is okay to some degree? But I'd like a little more alone time with him. I want to know more about him. While it's good to see him interact wtih his kids, I need to know him. I've looked around and there isn't a lot on this topic and mostly I hear that I should just shut up and get used to it or forget him.

I don't want either option. I think that we can all co exist on the same level all feeling the love that we need. I'm doing my best at being patient, but I'm losing this battle a little right now. I have a feeling that this will come and go as we all figure it out.

Is it really possible for us to co exist on the same level - some day in the future. I do understand that it is too early for the whole package. I think this is part of my frustration. I really want to know him better, and I'm not getting that opportunity too often.

He's been so focused on the girls since the break up with his ex around four years ago and there are some very very rough circumstances involved but he is a wonderful Dad.

One more thing that might be insightful. He has lived with his ex wifes Mom since the split. Finicials can be a hard part of divorce and he needed some help. Grandma is a good woman who treats me kindly and isn't overly distant. She does watch and I wouldn't expect otherwise of a Mom (I think she is a Mom to my guy)/Grandma.

Sorry to babble, but thank you. To bottom line this I need to know if this situation can lead to an equal level family and if so, some resource material to help along the way. I'd also like some advice on the little one. I don't pretend to know much here. Am I being selfish to want more time alone with him?

The girls will grow up and make a life of their own and he will get to watch from the side. I'd like to go along for the ride and watch with him when the time comes.

Sissy says

Hi Kris,

Thank you for sharing your story as this is a common concern and one that needs to be addressed.

I am going to address this very issue in our upcoming Ezine, so sign up to get my monthly tip (it is free).

This is a difficult situation and I can speak from personal experience. This man is obviously a good man since he has stepped into the role of father and mother!

The issues that you addressed in your letter are all very personal choices that can only be made by you! You must very carefully weigh the good and bad as well as understand that it will not change.

Think about it this way, all these girls really have is their dad, mom obviously has some issues. I believe that you can come to a balance and have a good relationship, but you have to be sure that you are ready to embark on that journey, as it is not easy. I am not going to lie to you, dealing with a ready made family is really tough!

I think you can make it but try not to become involved in a power struggle with a child and learn to encompass that you are not only gaining a boyfriend, but also a possible relationship with his wonderful children!

I hope this helps - as this decision must be one of a soul searching nature.

Sissy

Mark from Texas, USA asks

Hello. I would like to start and tell you a little about myself. I am 16 years old, I go to a private school, I make pretty good grades, I have a slight drug problem and like to smoke weed, but I only do so a couple of times a month. I only smoke on the weekends so it does not conflict with my school work. I have my driver's license and I have my own truck, I am a little overweight and I am about 5 feet 9 inches.

Now on to the reason I am writing to you. There's this girl I like. We just recently have started to hang out. We talk on the phone a few times a week, sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes for 45 minutes. She hangs out with me just about every weekend.

There are sometimes that I think she likes me. Like last friday she asked me if she could get a ride to the basketball game and she gave me all these excuses for why she couldn't get a ride.

All of my friends think that there is something going on between us.

Well last weekend, I picked her up from her house and we went over to a friends. I started to have a few beers (which she was completely fine with), but she wasn't really talking to me much. I was kind of mad and so I went outside and decided to smoke some pot.

Everyone left that friends house and went to another friends house. So me and this girl got in the car and drove over there. At that time I wasn't really high because it takes a little bit for it to kick in for me.

When we got to the house she still wasn't talking to me, and i got a little depressed so I started to chug beers. I literally had 5 in about 5 minutes and I see her pickup her phone and walk away. I was really out of it at this point so I walked over to where she was and sat on the ground. She got off the phone and I began to tell her how I felt about her. I said something along the lines of I really like you a lot and im sad that you don't like me back.

I have never felt this way about anyone ever in my life. And she said I am really sorry but I just see you as a good friend. Then she called someone else and had them pick her up and went off to another party.

The next day I give her a call and we had a long talk. I apologized for being a jackass and she said not to worry about it, that we were really good friends and she still wants to be good friends.

I still really like her and enjoy every second I spend with her, whether its on the phone or in person. I have never had a girlfriend, and the way she acts around me is unusual compared other girls. The one thing I am worried about is she likes to talk to older guys. She talks to them a lot and I can't stand seeing her doing it.

She still wants to hang out with me this weekend, and I most certainly don't plan on smoking or drinking. What should I do? I can't stop thinking about her. I really need help.

Sissy says

Hi Mark,

Sorry to hear about the troubles. You have a couple of issues that we should address.

It sounds to me like the young lady likes you as well. She is too willing to hang out with you and spend time together. She may just not be ready for a full blown relationship or commitment at the moment.

Another issue is the fact that you are smoking weed. You say that she doesn't know, but you would be surprised. This is a huge turn off and red flag for many people, especially respectable young women. You need to stop now before it turns into an addiction that you are unable to control.

Believe me I have worked with addicts (in the counseling field) that have spent years addicted and lost everything from shelter, relationships to their lives. Most times they start with weed every once in a while and before they know it they are stealing to support their addiction.

STOP NOW - or you will never have a lasting, meaningful relationship.

As for the young lady you might want to make yourself a bit inaccessible for a little while. Be busy when she calls or when you see her (this may be difficult - but it works like a charm).

People want what they cant have! Try it! You sound like a great person with a lot to offer. Hang in there and let us know how you get on!

Sissy

Michele from MI, United States asks

I've been dating a man for four and a half years now but we've never had sex and I've never met any of his family. Do you have any idea why this might be?

Sissy says

Hi Michele,

Have you spoken to him about intimacy or his family?

If so it may be that he is embarrassed or there is some other reason that he is avoiding the issues.

The best advice that I can give you is to sit down and have a really frank talk with him. Express all of your concerns and see if that helps him to open up a bit. If you have been dating for that long he should have enough confidence by now to openly talk about any fears with you.

Good luck!

Sissy

Michael from Georgia, USA asks

What should I do, I am going on a double date in the next week with one of my best friends and need some ideas about conversation staters. Also, what do we do about the bill? Does me or my friend pay it?

Sissy says

Hi Michael,

You didn't say what stage of life that you and your friend are in, but there are always good conversation starters about local events, news and weather. You may also want to mention about school, sports or employment to get a conversation going.

If you are still struggling for ideas go and have a look in the Dating Tips section of the website as there are a couple of articles in there that deal specifically with conversation questions.

Also, listen to your date and see if they have anything that you can expand on as well. It will be easier than you think - just keep a positive attitude!

As far as the bill is concerned this needs to be worked out well before you get to the checkout. Talk with your friend, as you may agree that you pay for yourself and your date and he does the same!

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Sissy

Jomoca from Dublin, Ireland asks

There's this guy i like and whenever i see him he always smiles at me. Once he was doing something and he looked over to see if i was looking at him and then he put his arms around a girl. I just dont know what it means.

Sissy says

Hi Jomoca,

It is difficult to tell whether or not he is interested by the information provided. If he is watching your reaction at his affection to another female that would suggest to me that he is interested.

Make sure you keep that smile going and why not try approaching him, what is it going to hurt?

If you find that sort of thing difficult then check out the Confidence Center for some articles about boosting self esteem.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Sissy

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