Here are your questions for February 2008.
Rhonda from Alaska, United States asks
I am soon to be 50 years old. I was asked to dinner today by a work colleague I have only said hello to a few times. I have been single since my husband died 8 years ago. I don't know what to do. I became sick at my stomach and even went to another room to cry. Why am I reacting this way?
I am sorry to hear you had that reaction. Unfortunately grief does not have a stated or set time.
It sounds to me that you are still grieving for your late husband and should take any new relationship very slowly. Instead of thinking about it as a date think of it as a get together with a friend.
If you aren't already, becoming a member of a grief support group could really help.
Let me know how it all goes.
Diva from Ontario, Canada asks
I'm new to this stuff but I have some questions.
I recently met this guy and he is such a nice guy but it really sucks that he was honest enough to tell me that he is kinda seeing someone.
Should I still be his friend and act like I'm cool with the fact that he's kinda seeing someone or should I back off?
I just feel like we could have something good, but I don't want to put my hopes up if its a dead end...pls help me...
I do not think that his honesty "sucks" at all. It tells me that he is respectable and honest. Let him know up front that you do not play seconds or wait around. He will have to make the choice, but you will be much better off!!
Good luck to you.
Dave from New York, United States asks
I got caught in a dating triangle situation. There is this woman who is dating two guys at once with me being one of them.
After about 4 months of dating she tells me she has to talk to me. Judging by my senses I had a feeling that she was about to put me out to the curb. Well, I was right, but she could hardly even tell me, she was so upset.
I took it in a very mature manner and didn't get mad or anything which shocked her. I asked her 3 questions I felt I needed to know. I asked her
(1) Where is your heart at? She says she doesn't know and that she decided to go out with him because he just kept asking.
(2) I asked her if the other guy was not in the picture would we be going out right now, she paused and said I don't know.
(3) I asked would you say this is bad timing that we met and that if things were to change and assuming that we are both single could we re-do this? She said yes.
Now the way I look at it she did not say no to when I asked her if she would be with me if he wasn't in the picture. She also did not give me the classic lets just be friends deal. Usually you get the "I don't see this going anywhere but we can be friends". I didn't get that. She left it open.
So what do you think? Is she in this case "worth waiting for" We still have an attraction. What do you suggest I do and what do you think about this whole situation? Thank you.
You sound like a wonderful catch, not one that will be waiting around when she decides what she wants.
Although she hasn't necesarily said 'let's just be friends', she has left you hanging and no clearer on what the situation is. If she only went out with the other guy because he kept pestering her then it suggests she didn't really have feelings for him in the first place and you have to ask yourself why he is still in the picture.
I personally would not wait around when there are plenty of other fish in the sea, as they say. Move on and find yourself someone that appreciates you for you.
Jay from North Carolina, United States asks
There is a guy that i have liked since last year, and he liked me too. But i wasnt able to date him because i had to wait til i turned 16.
Im 16 now, and we have just been friends ever since i met him, but he got a girlfriend a while back, and it was ok with me becuse i wasnt able to date at the time. For a while we would always flirt, A LOT. Then he became friends with this other girl, and he flirts with her sometimes to. I told him that i didnt feel right about him flirting with me, the other girl, and him still having a girlfriend!
But i REALLY REALLY LIKE HIM, its crazy. He tells me that he wants to be with me, but then i ask him why is he still with his girlfriend, and he cant answer it!
I just need help!
Do i still keep trying to be his girl, or what? but i also forgot, hes a senior in high school, and im a sophmore! But i REEEALLY REEEALLY LIKE HIM!! HELP ME PLEASE!!!!
Think about it this way: this young man has a girlfriend and continues to flirt with you and one other (that you know of!).
He cannot answer when you ask him why he is with the other girl and that's because if he did he knows that you would move on.
He is telling you all that you need to know with his actions. Move on and find someone else - someone that is worthy of a wonderful person!
Good luck to you!
Jennifer from Virginia, United States asks
My boyfriend and i have been together for 18 months now. We are both 20; he is in college and i work full time. We have had a wonderful relationship in the past, but i'm starting to have some issues.
First of all, I am very mature for my age and he is very immature, as is any 20 year old college student. At first, his stupid and goofy behavior was funny, but i have started to hate his uncleanliness and irresponsibility.
He is extremely smart and does very well in school, so i can't understand why he doesn't apply the same responsibility to other areas of his life.
Secondly, I love him with everything that i am, and he is my best friend in the whole world. However, i'm no longer sexually attracted to him. It's definitely his confidence level, because he gained some weight in college and is now insecure about his appearance. When we first met at the beginning of freshman year, he was in shape and extremely sexy and confident. I assure him everyday that i think he is handsome, but he lacks that certain confident sexuality in the bedroom.
I have always been turned on by confident, sexual men so this is a HUGE problem for me. Sex is no longer enjoyable because i live in fear that if i make a long term commitment with him, i may never experience sex with a confident, passionate man again. I don't want another man, i just want him to be more confident, sexual and passionate so we can regain an enjoyable sex life.
Also, his stubbornness about going into a long term commitment scares me. He tells me that he loves me and needs me and he knows im the one he's going to marry, but whenever i talk about getting engaged or getting an apartment together, he freaks and puts on the brakes. I love him deeply and if i have to move on, i can, but i want to try to make this work with him first.
Is there any way to save my relationship?
I am assuming that you have spoken honestly with him about the problems that you are experiencing. He may not realize how troubled you are by the lack of cleanliness and other issues.
Unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world and no one stays young and good looking forever. I think it may be time to take a short break from the relationship and clear your mind. If you and him are meant to be you should know very shortly after spending a bit of time apart.
Good luck and let me know how it all goes.
Linda from United States asks
I met someone on eHarmony that I thought had a lot in common with me.
We talked on the phone several times, agreed to meet...short story is that he appears to be a controlling, jealous man and has been calling and emailing me several times a day asking me to reconsider and call him back.
I have ignored him for several days but he continues to call and email. I am starting to get concerned, and wondered if I should contact the police or something at this point?
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Have you contacted EHarmony to file a complaint or report the trouble? If not I think that you should. If it were me I would take every precaution to be safe and if that meant reporting it to the police, then so be it.
Can you change your log in, screen name and, if possible, telephone number?
Please protect yourself and take care!
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