Is The Grass Really Greener On The Other Side?
You have a steady girlfriend and are even thinking about marrying her. What should your reaction to various other women in your life be like? ...Especially if they're particularly attractive?
Even if you don't have a woman in your life right now, this 20/20 foresight on relationship management and long-term planning will be a gift to you...you have my word.
I need to ask you a question.
I am in a VERY happy relationship. I am going to get engaged very
soon. But in my day-to-day encounters I do work with or interact
with attractive and cool women.
Since I work in a large group, there are some people at my
workplace that I don't see on a daily basis but enough to have
I have an ongoing dilemma on how to deal with particular women at
Take for example a girl named Christina I work with.
She is super cool and very attractive. But if I continue to interact with her, inevitably I will end up wanting to get to know her more, get a big crush on her, and maybe even starting thinking, "Man, the grass might be greener here."
Maybe this is just a man's tendency to want variety. As I said, I love my girlfriend dearly, so it's not secondary to unhappiness with my g/f.
So I can pursue a stronger friendship / more interaction with Christina at work, because I am physically and personality wise attracted to her...but at risk of torturing myself since I will fall for her but not do anything about it (the ultimate masochism).
Or worst-case scenario I'll fall for her so hard that I compromise my relationship with my girlfriend.
This Christina girl is just one example....as there have been many Christinas in the past who I usually end up AVOIDING to not create drama in my life.
What do you think?
Tanner (Chicago, IL)
Thanks for the great e-mail, Tanner.
So why is it that women named "Christina" always seem to be hotties?
Here's the cold hard fact of the matter: If you are still gazing at "greener pastures", you're either not ready to get married because there is more left to be done in your dating life, more deep-thinking ahead first, or because you *could* be settling.
I hear you telling me that you have a great relationship with a woman whom you intend to marry, and that you couldn't be happier.
And I greatly admire your discipline with regard to not wanting to compromise that relationship in any way. Big ups for that.
But YOUR genuine concern over the possibility of being drawn away
by another woman concerns ME also.
Taking your message to me at face value, I'm pretty sure that if
you were able to make the "Christinas" of the world a "non-issue", then you would be an even happier man than you may now even realize is possible.
Some will be quick to say this is an "unrealistic" explanation.
But much like, "you can never understand women", such is the battle cry of those who SETTLE.
When you've met the one who wins your heart forever, other women
will melt into the background insofar as any real desire for romantic involvement is concerned.
Hang with me here and I'll show you what I mean by that.
This does NOT mean that no other women are ever going to be
attractive or endearing to you ever again. And you *can* acquire the skill set of enjoying femininity without requiring sexual fulfillment to come from it, by the way.
(And that is REALLY COOL, opening the doors wide-open to GREATLY
ENHANCED day-to-day interactions.)
What it DOES mean is that you never, EVER second-guess the decision you made to be with one woman, because you always keep the perspective of having been through the dating process and having made your decision from a position of ABSOLUTE STRENGTH and a WEALTH OF EXPERIENCE.
The greatest woman you've ever met--your "100 out of 100"--will
literally COMPEL you to cut ties with the other women you've been
seeing until then.
No kidding, man. I wouldn't have believed it myself five years ago.
And there's no compromise when that happens. No "giving away your
manhood", "sacrificing your freedom" or anything negative at all, really.
It will have been YOUR decision...and a GOOD one.
And you'll be able to tuck away that definitive notion for safe keeping over the long-haul, no matter how many hotties catch your eye over the years to come.
I have to be honest with you here though, Tanner.
My first thought after reading your message was that if you REALLY believe Christina might possibly be the kind of woman who could be better for you than your current girlfriend, then perhaps you haven't "raised the bar" high enough just yet as far as the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with successfully.
If that doesn't resonate with you, and you are indeed firmly convinced that your current girlfriend is the greatest woman you've ever met, then so be it.
Nonetheless, If you ARE second guessing yourself on the possibility of being sexually drawn to other women such that it would compromise your current relationship, it's time for some hard consideration.
The questions to ask yourself include:
1) Are you comparing your girlfriend to someone you don't know as well?
This is always a loser of an idea. There's too much opportunity
for idealism there. I can't tell you how many guys blow a long-term relationship for a fling with a new chick only to wonder what they've done when she quickly falls short of expectations as he "gets to know her better".
2) Have you really dated enough women to know EXACTLY who you're looking for?
Your girlfriend MAY BE the greatest woman in the world for you. But unless you have a firm grasp of what you want, you'll never really know if you've found it.
3) Is it YOUR DECISION to get married?
Do you WANT to get married, or do you simply fear losing a great
woman? Are you DONE dating, or does the timing feel a bit premature?
Please know that you may indeed be able to resolve all of these
questions VERY successfully vis-à-vis your current relationship.
If so, I imagine your resolve will be rock-solid going forward.
If not, you may be frustrated now (as may she), but take it from the guy who has been in front of a judge before and paid the divorce lawyer richly for my trouble.
It's like the old Fram Oil Filter commercial: "You can pay now, or you can pay later".
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