Here are your questions for November 2008.
Maya from Quebec, Canada asks
I am 37 years old and single(divorced no kids). In the last 3 years I dated one guy seriously and after a year, he chose to move to another city and never asked me to come. It hurt me and even though we kept in touch but his disinterest made me upset all the time and so when I pushed it he broke it off.
I met a few people but nothing really more than a phone call or date (most online). Nobody really interested me or vice versa. And almost a year ago I met this guy that I was finally interested in and we dated and after 3 month he broke it off as I asked where it was heading. He was still talking about his ex wife and even though we remained friends and tried a few times after but he never really fell for me.
I want to know if there is something wrong with me as I am not dating much for the past 2 years and no one interested me and I finally fell for someone that was not into me!
I am ready to meet again and date, but it is not happening. I definitely dont want to go online again for now!
How can I attract naturally someone and do you think that emotionally I am so hurt that I am not attracting anyone?
It sounds to me that you may have some unresolved dating issues. This is not your fault and completely normal, so dont let that scare you. I think you should give yourself some time to heal and then slowly ease back into the dating scene. Maybe some singles club, the gym, volunteer opportunities, church...
Remember we all dated successfully before the internet and those methods are still out there. To help ease the transition and give you some time, find some friends to chat with or locally to have something to do, but dont rush! Rushing always ends bad, for all of us! Pamper yourself a little bit, do something nice for yourself, you sound like a great woman that needs to do something nice for herself!
Keep me posted
Brittney from California, United States asks
I met this guy about 2-3 weeks ago now,and we talked for the 3 hours or so. Just a normal friendly conversation,anyway when it was time for him to leave he asked if he could give me his phone number and I said yeah that I'd like that so we could keep in touch.
We talked for the next two days and then he asked me out for that saturday. We went to breakfast,went to the amusment park we work at,I work in a restaurant inside he works in a restaurant outside the park,then we went to his house and watched a movie and after just talked about anything and everything from things about us to sex not about us going that far but just the topic in general for a few hours.
Im 20 and I know that he is 18 so 2 year difference not a big deal at all. I also know he's a virgin,I'm not but again not a problem for either of us. When he dropped me off the first night he came inside and met my mom just because she happend to be there.
He's always been a cautious person,taking things slow and what not so he didnt kiss me or hold my hand or anything like that the first 2 or 3 times we went out. Then the 4th time we went out we went to his house for a bit and I met his parents because he wanted me to then later he held my hand some and we went to his cousins and watched a movie and he held me the whole time,then when he dropped me off he kissed me. I was a bit surprised thinking he would have waited a little longer just because of how he is.He also made a small comment like if things came to the point of us becoming intimate with each other not that he was suggesting it or anything just should it happen kinda thing this surpised me a bit because I know that he doesnt plan on having sex until he feels a connection with the girl which made me wonder how he felt about me.
I wasnt expecting that we would even become serious bf/gf for a while,just that we would casually date for a few months and get to know each other fully.
Anyway the next day he and I were talking an he said that he thought we were moving to fast,I did in a way agree since we had only known each other about a week at this point,but another part of me thought we had been taking things pretty slow which was ok with me. He also said that if we wanted the be serious with each other one day maybe that friends is the first step so I agreed. And although I did agree I was also honest and made sure that he knew how I felt and what I would like to happen but didn't pressure him because that wouldnt have been right and I can handle being just friends,but I would like more than that between us. And we've just been hanging out as friends ever since then.
I was thinking about it all and I was thinking maybe the reason he thought we were moving to fast was because he hasn't ever really had a serious gf,another thought was that he felt something more than he was ready to feel in such a short time because he had never had a serious gf,and then again
maybe he just realized he only wanted us to be friends. I'm not really sure which Thanks:)
It is really tough to second guess what is going through his head! You might want to try and have a frank or open conversation with him about how he feels, how you feel and your plans.
He might be embarrased or feel a little insecure about the intimacy thing, this can be a bit nerve wracking. Especially if he wants to wait, he may not want you to make fun of him or tell anyone else. I think it is really cool that he wants to wait.
You sound like a very responsible young lady and I have faith in the fact that you can talk with him and ease his mind. You might also be able to tell a little more about what he is thinking if he seems to want to be around and still interested in seeing you, but is a little nervous or avoids those intimate opportunites.
good luck and let me know how it turns out for you!
Dave from NY, United States asks
I have known this woman for about 7 years. We talked here and there, but once she got married about 4 1/2 years ago, I felt the need not to talk to her that much or even at all. Plus it didin't help the fact that her husband was the extremely jealous type.
I would maybe talk to her once or twice every few months or so. The funny part is that I mentioned that she shouldn't get married at such a young age at the age of 20, but she was lonely at the time and I am guessing this guy said all the right things to get her in 7 months.
Well, just about 10 months ago she left him because he cheated on her and also found out that he wasn't the best of husbands. I believe she was staying for the fact that she has 2 kids with him. During the time that she left him she got back in contact with me on a constant basis. She would always ask me to come over and just keep her company and cuddle with her. One of those nights she just started kissing me and of course I went a long with it.
I was always attracted to her, but of course I respected the fact that she was married and all bets were off, but now she was partially free, since she wasn't officially divorced. So for the next few weeks or so I would go over and just keep her company and spend time with her. We had no sexual contact whatsoever during the times I spent although we were sleeing together. It was more of a companionship type thing.
When she finally got her divorce a couple of months ago, she became more distant. I haven't been over as much or spend as much time as I would like to. I found out that during the time I spent with her that I am more attracted to this woman then I was before and that I would like to pursue this further at some point. Now, I know I have to be careful I don't push the issue because she is fragile from her divorce. I did mention that I am attracted to her and I asked her that when she is ready to date would I have a chance. She said "possibly". I took that as, well it's better then a no.
I have gotten to know her kids over the past few months as well and we get a long really well. I guess the frustrating thing is that now it's all a waiting issue. Her and I are in more email and phone contact more than ever and we hang out and do things. When I go over we still sleep with each other but she has been less cuddly I guess you can say the word is. I ask her what's wrong and she is one of those people that doesn't like to talk about their feelings.
It's very frustrating because I can never tell where I stand or where it's going.
I guess my questions are how do I get her to talk about it even though she is not known to talk about certain issues? Do I cut ties with her even though we enjoy each others company (at least I think so)? I know she wants me around, but I guess I don't know the rules of attempting to date a recent divorced woman. She is very confusing to me a lot of the time. maybe that's normal in this situation, but I am not sure. One minute it seems
like there is hope and then one minute she will talk in a third paty saying things like "one day you will have a wife and crazy kids running around the house". I get so frustrated when she says things like that, but then again maybe I am taking it way out of proportion. she is a really good woman and is very tradional. So if you have any advice for this frustrated person please help.
You sound like a great guy that is not only very in tune with his own feelings, but cares about what others are feeling at the time. Going through a divorce is most confusing, and I speak from experience. Even though you are done with the marriage you still hurt for the loss. Even the most frustrating of Ex-spouses can still pull at the heart strings for a period of time.
I believe that it is an awesome sign that you both enjoy time together. In my opinion, I think you should continue on and let the relationship unfold. In time, she will be more apt to open up with her feelings, remember she was just betrayed by someone she loved and thought that loved her. If you end it you will never know what could have been and I am betting that you will regret it in the future. Take some time and just go with the flow, be yourself and let it take you where it may. Do keep an open line of communication with her! You sound to me like a wonderful catch and she is most lucky to have such an understanding man!
Good Luck and Keep Me Posted
Priya from United Kingdom asks
So I've been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years. When we met he was really into drugs, went to rehab, got kicked out for not participating, and now he's clean and has been for a little over a year and rarely drinks. I was wondering what I could do to just understand him a bit better or information on how to make sure he stays clean, anything to just strengthen our relationship
Addiction is a tough one! That is the area of counseling that I have worked in professionally. It might be a good idea for you to either purchase some literature or do a little research online about addiction and relapse.
Relapse is very high, but that doesnt mean that he will begin using again. Keep your eyes and ears open. Watch for unexplained absences, always financially broke, moody or problems with family, friends or employment. Also you want to protect yourself if you think that he may be using, because sometimes they are very irresponsible with their sexual behavior and drug intake methods, putting you at potential risk.
Good luck to you and if I can help you with anything else let me know!
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