October 2007


Here are your questions for October 2007.

Carren from South Australia asks

I am 14 and I just started going to partys and get togethers with friends and as soon as I started I met this guy that goes to my church! He is 18 and before I knew it he was taking me on dates and would pick me up for parties. This went on for about a month and since I was new to the whole dating thing I was a bit nervous about making out with him! I had called him one night to ask him if he wanted to go to the movies but he already had plans and invted me along.

He picked me up and we went to this party and when we got there he was acting fine until this other girl showed up and then he started ignoring me all night. He then disappeared for a while and one of his friends pulled me over and told me that he didn't want to get serious and that all he wanted to do was hook up with me. He also said that I am clingy!!

I didn't know what to do and we have ignored each other for about 5 months now which is hard because his friends are my friends as well. Everyone always teases me about what happened. But I still like him even thought he humiliated me!!

We are now past the awkward stage of being in the same room together and the other night at a party we actually talked to each other but we were drunk and completely relaxed, it felt really good!!

I think that he is starting to realise that other guys are interested in me as he has been looking at me alot. I think that he is starting to like me again. Do you think so? Thanks

Sissy says

History repeats himself I mean itself. If he did that to you in the beginning he will do it again. Right now you are in his sights because he is not with someone else, but guess what when someone else comes along he will humiliate you again. Do not give him a second chance, turn him down and find yourself someone that likes you for you.

Good luck Carren!

Jillian from IL, United States asks

I have been dating this guy for a month, we are having a long distance relationship. He came to visit and spent an extra day because he wanted to meet my son. While I was at work he used my work computer at home and viewed porn sites. The day after he left I was looking at my computer and found that he was looking at porn sites and I text telling him how I was disappointed in him.

From there things have spiraled out of control and he will not talk to me but sends me little texts leaving me hanging. Tell me at first he needed time to figure things out, then telling me he didn't know what was going on he is just afraid of letting me down. This week has been a week of communication strictly via text.

Do you think this is about the porn issue or did he get freaked out by meeting my son? Last woman he dated had a kid so I don't know why he would get scared. I have sent him one last text asking him that when he is ready to talk to call me. Did I blow the best thing that ever happened to me, or is there something else going on, like another girl and he is just avoiding me?

Help!

Sissy says

Hi Jillian,

To be very honest with you it sounds like you made a good decision. Obviously you have a problem with him viewing porn and he is not willing to change that. Can you imagine a couple of years from now if you have another problem, you will either keep your mouth shut and let him do what ever he wants or he will go on tangents not talking to you.

He sounds very immature and right now you need to be concerned with your child. Let this guy go, you have standards, keep them! Do you want your son witnessing your boyfriend looking at porn on the computer?

You did the right thing, move on there is someone out there waiting for you and your son!

Good luck!

David from Oklahoma, United States asks

I'm a 21 year old, straight male in my second year of college, and not only am I still a virgin, but I've never even been kissed. I've also never had a girlfriend and never dated. The whole virgin thing really doesn't bother me(though most guys think that's what upsets me sometimes), but it's the complete lack of romantic experience and relationships, and a seeming inablity to get those things, that does.

Some people think I just don't try, but I have tried (perhaps even too hard) in the past. I've been rejected far many more times than the average guy my age and still have no success to show for it. Not too long ago, I finally had enough and gave up.

However, a girl came into my life recently who I thought might be worth going for. I've been trying to get together with her, but I just have no idea how that's done. I'm okay with hanging out with girls and flirting with them and stuff like that, but only if I'm not really interested and I'm only playing around. If I actually like a girl, then I automatically start worrying about what to do or say because I've grown to expect rejection.

What's worse is that any time I try to flirt with a girl or ask her out, I start getting negative reactions, and I've been getting the same thing from this one now that I'm trying again instead of not being interested in anyone like I was before. As soon as I get negative signals, I get nervous and give up, because I ruined friendships and "creeped out" girls in the past for continuing to pursue after they revealed their disinterest.

I don't know what to do. I have to force myself to flirt with and ask out women, and then I still get rejected and feel like crap because of it. I'm finding it harder and harder to envision my situation ever changing.

Sissy says

Hello David,

It really sounds like you have some issues with your self esteem. You may want to look into counseling or possibly even a self help course, book or other method. You can learn how to not be so hard on yourself and let your guard down just a bit. You would be very surprised at all the people in the world that feel exactly the same as you. There is a great self confidence book that this site has to offer that really is excellent for self esteem issues. It will guide you through working on yourself and relationships!

Good luck to you, you sound like a great guy to me!

Elizabeth from California, United States asks

Well, I've been dating my high school sweetie(we're both the same age, 20) for about 3 years, and I broke up with him just recently. Reason being, he never wanted to be around me as much as he use to, put me down with a lot of negative words, got into a lot of fights, and so on. We have probably been in that state for the past year.

Of course, we had our good times as well, but I was just overwhelmed with what he did that finally pushed me to the edge to break up with him. I think the final push was when we were going out to have lunch. He was driving and when he turned into a parking spot, he drove in too fast and hit the pillar and scraped his bumper. To ease his pain, he turned to me and says, "my mom was right, you are bad luck."

He has a really big ego, and refuses to talk to me about how he feels. His mom also really hates me and I dont know for what reason. Could it be because of our different race? I'm Filipina and he is Chinese. Or maybe its just because she doesnt like the idea of her only son growing up and having another women in his life. He also comes from a depressed family, where his dad likes to gamble and his mom seems to take out her anger on her children. I thought, enough was enough, and I decided to move on.

Soon after the break up, another guy has already emerged in my life. He too has gotten out of a similar relationship to mine, only his lasted for about 10 years. He is much older than me, he's 28 right now. Does age really matter in a relationship? I thought not, so I decided to get to know him better. Turns out that he is really such a nice, sweet, caring, and understanding kind of person. I know that I've recently just met him, and I still have a lot to learn about, but I really like what I see. I can imagine having a nice steady relationship with this guy and not worry about anything at all.

My parents have already met him, and think that he is the most "perfect" guy ever. He takes out the garbage without being told, helps around the kitchen when my mom is cooking, washes the dishes after every meal, and even has the courage to strike up conversations with my dad. He was raised with good work ethics and is a socialite. What amazes me more, is that he really knows how to get along with my younger brother who is seven years old. My ex hated being around my brother.

Anyway, this new gentleman is half white and half chinese, and his family is really kind. It reminds me of my own environment while growing up. I felt easily accepted into their family and we also have the same religion. (My ex didnt believe in my religion and and said that I can never change his mind.) He is really amazing, and he treats my entire family so well, but he never really finished college, and I don't know if he'll ever go back. (my ex attends one of the most hardest to enter universities in California and is attempting to become a pharmacist.)

He also talked to my parents about dating me. My parents really like how he's old fashioned and respects the entire family. We aren't dating yet, but I think he wants to start dating soon.

But during the past 3 days, my ex has finally been pouring his heart out tome and telling me how he truely feels. He says that he is really sorry and that he knows he was wrong in the relationship and wants to start over again. He says that he understands all his wrongdoings and said that he never opened up to me before because he didnt want me to worry over his own feelings.

He says that out of concern for me, he kept me out of his own heart. I responded to that with, "why now? why tell me all this now? Is it because you're afraid that you lost someone who once cared so deeply about you? Or is it because you really do love me?" He says it's because he does love me, but is he just saying that to get me back? He said that he'll give me his heart and soul, and that he'll be more affectionate. And that his mom was sorry for "pushing" me away, and being so mean towards me.

As much as I want to get back to him, how am I really sure that the relationship would last? I keep thinking that it's only going to be good for the next few months, and then everything is going to be back the way it use to be. But I've also never seen him act this way before, I think that maybe he really has changed for the better.

A few days ago, I told them both that I've decided to stay single for awhile and that I needed my space, which I think they both took okay. I recently invited the new gentleman to a family gathering of mine and my relatives enjoyed talking to him and wouldnt stop with the compliments when he left later that night.

They think that he is too good to be true and my parents were even joking around that he is already their son-in-law! He even cooked for our family, helped clean up, and was just really a family-oriented kind of guy. It really made me happy to know that he is a family man.

But last night, my ex called me on the phone, and started pouring his heart out to me again. He was telling me that he missed and loved me so much that he's going crazy. He says that he's willing to do anything and everything just to have me back in his life. He imagines the future together and even dreams that we are happy together like how we use to be. He says that he has faith that we'll be happy together if I gave him a second chance. He says he wont give me up until I've completely moved on, and until then, he's going to continue telling me that he misses me. Then he started crying, something he says he never does, and it wasnt just tears running down his face, it was all out crying. I didn't know what to say while he was telling me all this, so I started crying too. I keep thinking to myself, why tell me all this now..

I don't know what to do!

Sissy says

Hi Elizabeth,

I am sorry that you feel stuck in the middle and are confused! I think you can easily solve this one by asking yourself these questions:

What happened last time you and your Ex called it quits?

When you got back together did he change?

Treat you with respect?

Now think about this, if you would have met this new beau during the last breakup and would have dumped him for your Ex, you would be alone right now! History repeats itself and people do not easily change their behavior, so stick with the new one and tell your Ex to take a hike! He had his chance!

Good luck and let us know how it all goes!

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