What If He Looks At Other Women?


What if your guy looks at other women? What's reasonable and how much is TOO much? Read on for answers...

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Emily,

I really like your Click With Him program.

What is your advice about what I should say to my fiancé who looks back at other women, checking them out after they have passed?

He never flirts with them, makes eye contact in a flirting way, or appears to try to let them know he is looking at them.

I told him that it hurts me. He said these women don't mean anything to him.

He remembered for a while but then went back to it after a month went by. He's extremely sacrificing for me in other ways.

Sandra (Louisville, KY)

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Sandra,

Thank you for writing me. And congratulations on your engagement!

I understand how you feel. But without really knowing you or your fiancé very well, I can only give some ideas as to what may be going on.

For starters, I'm going to assume that you are doing your best to look great and that you have not let yourself go in style, fitness and/or personality departments.

I have been in a relationship in the past with a man who was very blatant about looking at women. And yes it hurt me too.

I felt as if I did everything possible to be an attractive woman--inside and out. As such, I believed I did not deserve that kind of disrespect. Then again, who does?

The bottom line is he wanted a woman with a huge chest and who was tall like a model. I'm only 5'1" and at that time I was a size "A".

One time he actually went so far as to follow a woman at the grocery store with his mouth hung open...literally.

In his defense she was in shorts that showed her butt cheeks and a top that showed her mid section and most of her breasts. Everyone noticed her...men and women alike. LOL

Long story short, if your fiancé is brazen enough to habitually gawk at other women in your very presence, don't plan on his behavior changing.

It's one of those things you either choose to put up with or find someone who considers you more desirable than other women.

Now you know by now that I don't ever, ever recommend "settling" for less in a man than you want.

Let's face it, though--it's unreasonable to expect to cure a man of looking at any other woman...ever.

But the fact remains: If he has not "settled" for you and esteems you above other women he will indeed respect you enough not to openly lust after other babes...either in your presence or when the two of you are apart.

Appreciation of female beauty is one thing, and in a perfect world a man and a woman who are partners can still acknowledge that there are indeed attractive people on Earth besides the two of them.

But let's take a look at it from another possible angle before closing the book on this discussion.

The truth is, some women are the jealous type--no matter what a man does.

Some men live in fear that if a pretty woman walks by even if he does not look that his wife or girlfriend will get very upset.

A man in this situation can never win. Unfortunately this kind of behavior from a woman will drive a man away...usually sooner than later.

It's hard to live a life where you are always being accused of cheating or looking at women when you are innocent.

With that said, remember all men will look to some degree. Scot indeed notices women, but he does not get whiplash doing so. And he does not look at the women in a way that openly indicates that he wants them sexually.

If he had seen the woman my ex and I had saw at the grocery store, Scot would have noticed her but he would not have been drooling over her.

Scot always lets me know how much he loves me. He also tells and shows me how much he finds me to be the most attractive woman to him.

As such, I feel safe and secure with him. He does not make me feel like less of a woman.

But you can't get this kind of feeling from a man naturally by ruling over him with an iron fist. You've got to be the woman of his dreams...and by doing so you deserve what you want in a man.

My first suggestion would be to determine if you might be just feeling jealous. Is your expectation in fact for your fiancé to never look at women at all?

If so, this can be rectified because this is something you have ultimate control over. Believe you are the kind of woman your fiancé really wants...and in doing so empower him to remain attracted to and committed to you forever.

Notwithstanding that, if your fiancé has a legitimately uncontrollable habit of undressing every woman who passes with his eyes, my next suggestion is to determine to what degree is your fiancé is causing you to feel uneasy and why is he doing it?

In that case, definitely have a talk with him. There has got to be communication.

My guess is that he already knows his actions are both disrespectful and hurtful to you. If he cannot curb his appetite for the smörgĺsbord of women elsewhere, he may very well not be ready for a committed relationship with you.

A little honesty can go a long way here...and that's exactly what the two of you need right now.

I wish you both the best. Any time two people who have been living single lives come together there are always bumps in the road to iron out. The trick is to make sure those issues are indeed resolved before it's too late to turn back.

Have fun,

Emily McKay

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