Just Think About Baseball, Man

How do you summon the real confidence to pick up the phone and call a woman for the first time? Here are simple, practical ways to blast through the barriers...


What’s up, Scot?

I re-listened to the Power Session you did about confidence, because I feel like I'm just having an ebb right now. Here's my question, I've got this annoying little inner critic in my head (yes I'm listening to voices but it ain't like that).

Every time I attempt to do something productive with a woman (Call her, ask her out, try to make a move, etc) the voice starts yapping at me "You're gonna blow it. She's too good for you. etc." You know, that kind of negative thinking.

When it goes well (which it usually does) I don't hear this voice. Like I wrote in one of my earliest emails to you, I always feel everything must be right before I try to make that call, move, etc. If you can understand my question, here it is: Is there a way to shut this voice up before you make that call? And if there isn't, how can I mask it to where the woman I'm calling doesn't know because if she likes me I feel like she'll be a little on guard too. But I have to keep in mind (and it isn't easy) that even when Ted Williams hit .406 he still failed almost 60% of the time and that season is considered the best offensive season in baseball history.

Randy (Webb, AL)


Hey Randy:

Thanks for writing.

I think all of this boils down to the danger of putting women on a pedestal.

I'm not talking in the "honorable", "chivalrous" sense but rather flat-out idealizing them as if they're better and/or more evolved than you simply because they are attractive and female. Women actually feel the same way we do on many levels, and suffer from common human imperfection. Even the hottest of them.

The problem is that when the "halo effect" of attraction takes hold, you likely don't figure this out until much later--after you get to know them some. I'll never forget the time I met a woman online who came to my house the first time I ever met her. When she walked through the door I thought I had literally hit the jackpot. It was all I could do to contain myself at the time, but I guess I managed because I ended up seeing her again...and again. But as we started to hang out together more, she turned out to have an amazing case of low self-esteem and began talking with increasing frequency about not deserving a great relationship.

She began apologizing for everything. She was wondering aloud if I could possibly like her and think of her as attractive, etc. When I first met this woman I would never have guessed that she would expect ANY man to reject her, regardless of who he was.

But eventually, to be quite honest, her feeling of personal inadequacy proved so severe that it's what caused me to end the relationship with her. Thinking about it, it was very much a "self-fulfilling prophecy" for her. So yes...when you encounter a woman that the "voice" is telling you there's no chance with, she could actually be perceiving YOU as "too good to be true"--maybe even potentially the greatest thing that's ever happened to her.

But if you "fail to deploy" YOU deny her that chance, don't you? Now on the other hand, I don't want to give you a "pep talk" only to have you come face-to-face with harsh reality.

It's very true you must become at peace with several potential reasons why women may not respond to you in the way you'd like at times. It's unreasonable to expect that every interaction with woman will meet your every need...at all times.

Yet, if you are a man who deserves what he wants, this is NEVER any reason for personal alarm. Let's see. She may not be in a positive frame of mind at the moment you call her. So she gets snippy with you.

There's never any excuse for being less than personable with people who mean you no harm, but it happens nonetheless. Maybe you dodged the proverbial bullet there, but either way it's not a "you" issue.

Or, if her mindset is similar to that of the woman in the example I gave, she may have a nagging belief that she would disappoint you and therefore get hurt...so she just avoids going out with you at all.

This never fails to leave a guy thinking it's "his problem". But nothing could be further from the truth. You may very well be disappointed by a particular woman's reaction at times, but the truth of the matter is that there are plenty of people who will disappoint you more and more even after you get to know them--mind-blowing hotties being a non-exception. Knowing all of this, remain focused on the simple fact that women will tend to respond powerfully to your leadership as a man.

Were you to call her with a tentative, sheepish demeanor she'll indeed pick up on that as you've suggested, and perhaps respond in kind. You can try to "mask" it, but it's ALWAYS better simply to do away with it entirely.

If thinking about Ted Williams hasn't helped so far, try thinking about the very real factors I've shared with you. Besides, it's too early in the relationship to have to "think about baseball", right? Ironically, if you put aside any concern over rejection or any other possible outcome that's not favorable to you, there's all the more chance she WILL in fact respond favorably to you after all. And it will be that real confidence that gives you the edge. And that's the kind of confidence no "male enhancement pill" can ever give you, right? After all, if you don't have confidence when your trousers are on, then you're starting from the wrong place to begin with. Be Good,

Scot McKay

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